Surrender Is Not A Decision. It Is A Biological Event.

I stopped trying to muscle my way into peace.

I sat there, jaw clenched, trying to "let go" like it was a heavy box I could just drop. But my hands wouldn't open. The more I commanded myself to surrender, the tighter I gripped.

I was treating surrender like a decision.

I realized this week that it is actually a biological event.

You know that vibrating hum underneath your skin when you’re trying to relax but your body keeps screaming run? That feeling where your mind says "it's okay" but your chest says "brace for impact"? I live there. I tried to out-think my physiology.

I failed.

I had to drag my intellect into the mud of my biology to understand why. The excavation led me to the intersection of two massive frameworks: Polyvagal Theory and Chronobiology.

First, the architecture of safety. Stephen Porges identified what he calls "neuroception." It is the nervous system’s subconscious radar, constantly scanning for danger. Before I can even think the word "surrender," my body has already decided if it is safe to do so.

If my neuroception detects threat, I shift into a sympathetic state. Mobilization. Fight or flight.

You cannot surrender when you are mobilized for war.

It is physiologically impossible. The "Small Self" isn't just an attitude; it is a specific neural state where the prefrontal cortex—the seat of logic and creation—goes offline to prioritize survival.

Then I looked at the rhythm of my effort.

The research on Ultradian Rhythms, pioneered by Nathaniel Kleitman and expanded by Ernest Rossi, shows that our brains are not designed for marathon focus. We operate in 90 to 120-minute cycles of high-frequency output.

After that peak, we hit a trough.

This is where I usually grab coffee. I push through.

But Rossi found that this "push" triggers a stress response. By ignoring the body's signal for rest, I am actually flooding my system with cortisol and adrenaline. I am creating internal chaos.

The physicist Erwin Schrödinger talked about life as a battle against entropy—the tendency of things to fall into disorder. "Negentropy" is the process of importing order to counteract that chaos.

Nurture is not luxury. It is negentropy.

I looked up the etymology of Nurture. It comes from the Latin nutrire, meaning "to suckle" or "to nourish."

It is the primal act of sustaining life.

I realized I have been demanding the fruit (surrender) while starving the root (nurture).

You have probably felt this too. We try to force trust. We try to manicure our anxiety into submission. But you cannot manicure a storm. You have to wait it out in a shelter.

Nurture is the shelter.

When I engage in what the Kaplans call "soft fascination"—walking in nature, watching a fire, letting the mind wander—I am not wasting time. I am manually resetting my nervous system from "defend" to "connect."

This is what I am learning. Surrender is not something I do. It is what happens naturally when I finally let myself be safe.

I don't need more discipline. I need more safety.

That is the work I am doing.

Are you trying to force a flower to open with a pry bar?

Follow for more of the work.

I teach more about this in The Journeys of Surrender and Nurture from the 12 Journeys. Curious about the SG program and how the 12 Journeys can help you? DM me!

#nervoussystem #polyvagal #burnout #healing #nurture #fyp