Your Partner Isn't The Problem. The Movie You're Projecting Onto Them Is.

We think a relationship is something we find.

We treat it like a discovery. Like we’re digging for some lost treasure and we finally unearth the perfect partner, someone who exists fully formed, just waiting for us.

We believe their job is to make us happy, and our job is to find them. And we just have to dust them off and put them on the mantle.

And that is a lie.

It's a profound lie that is the source of so much of our struggle, because it makes us passive passengers in our own lives, waiting for someone else to show up and save us.

I had a conversation this morning with a man named Tyrone Crowley. A coach from the south coast of England doing a powerful work helping fathers and sons relate. And, in the middle of our talk, he just gutted me with his own story. And it was so simple, and so big, that I can still feel it in my whole body.

Six years ago, at 53, his wife left him. He hit rock bottom. And he said he looked at his life and thought, what the fuck am I doing? How do I keep ruining beautiful relationships?. He saw his old patterns, his old conditioning, his lack of conscious awareness in how he spoke to the people he loved.

And instead of blaming her, he chose to step up. He chose to use that pain to change.

A few months ago, he met with his ex-wife and his son's mother, and he apologized for his part in it all. He just said, "I'm sorry for my part," without needing to hear it back. And in that, there was incredible healing.

And then he started talking about the relationship with his son. And how it’s just… non-judgmental.

How he could never, ever stop loving him, no matter what. How his son is his best friend.

And I’m just sitting there, navigating my recent breakup, and it just hits me.

Man.

I am not that in a partnership. Not even close.

With my kids, love is a fortress.

With a partner, it seems to move into a space of transaction, full of hidden contracts.

Like, my love is choked with all these conditions, these expectations, a silent monitoring, where I'm constantly measuring if she's matching my level of responsibility, understanding the way I would like her to, or reciprocating the way I think she should.

I thought my standards were my strengths.

Yet, in the end, they were just very subtle weapons.

As I listened to Tyrone, it felt like the universe handed me the key to understand the mess I’d made. So while we were talking I had to look up the word we were discussing.

The word relation. The origin of it, comes from Latin, it means “a bringing back”.

To bring back.

The word itself tells you the secret.

It’s not about finding someone out there. It’s about what you are bringing back to yourself. It implies you are the source. The broadcaster. And the other person is the living, breathing signal being reflected back to you.

And this isn't just some nice idea. It’s physics.

Einstein told us that “imagination is the preview of life’s coming attractions.” And he said it was more important than knowledge.

And you just have to wonder? Was the theory of relativity just sitting there, waiting for him? Or was his imagination of it so powerful that it actually created the thing that he could then go and discover?.

Go ahead and let that mess with your brain for a minute.

The stories are everywhere when you start to look.

Our guest this morning, the comedian Adam L'Heureux, talked about bombing a dozen shows in a row because he kept remembering the bad ones. And the moment he started intentionally remembering his good shows before going on stage, he’s never had a bad one since.

Another guest on our show, Kathrine Lee, spoke of creating a “memory of things yet to be.” She visioned Oprah on her stage, wearing a blue dress, a color Oprah never wears. And when she got there?

Oprah was sitting in that exact spot, wearing blue.

They weren't hoping. They were creating. They were projecting a film onto the screen of the world with such clarity that the world had no choice but to play it back to them, verbatim.

So here’s the thing that’s hitting me so hard. The big shift.

A relationship is not a discovery. It is a creation. And the person you are with is not someone you just found. No. They are a living, breathing reflection of the movie you are projecting onto them.

Your imagination is the script, the lighting, the director. And they are simply playing the part you have cast them in. Every thought you hold about them, every judgment, every fear, it’s all being communicated, whether you speak it or not.

You are being it.

You are not finding a partner. You are creating them.

And I can hear the question already, because I asked it myself: Does this let our partner off the hook for behavior that causes harm?

No. Absolutely not.

This work is never an excuse for harmful behavior.

The key is holding two truths at once.

The first truth is that you are the creator. The second is that your partner is a sovereign being, responsible for their own actions.

Tyrone was clear: he apologized for his part, but his ex "had her part." The goal is to see the wound behind their weapon.

You can set a boundary out of love.

For me, that meant recognizing that the "dynamic wasn't working" and stepping back to keep myself from "spiraling." It wasn't a punishment; it was a realization.

The dance changes, and they have to choose if they'll learn the new steps.

And so, holding that truth, I have to sit with my part. I have to sit with the reality of the role I created for my partner.

Am I holding her in her power, or am I remembering the wounds from my past and making her responsible for them?.

Am I so attached to my vision of her flaws that I am literally creating her as flawed, just so I can get the confirmation bias that proves me right?.

Am I rehearsing arguments in my head so often that she eventually just reads the lines I wrote for her?

Holy shit.

The sinking in my stomach tells me everything I need to know. The entire dynamic I chose to leave was a dance, just like Tyrone said.

And it only takes one person to change their steps for the whole dance to change. When you change, the other person has a choice: they either learn the new steps with you, or they leave the dance floor.

And I was leading the whole time. I created the reflection that I then judged. I built the very cage I was trying to escape.

And so this is my work. Right now. Today. To stop blaming the mirror for the face I’m making. To change my own dance. To become, like Tyrone and Walt Disney said, a better "imagineer". To take radical ownership of the thoughts I'm attaching to, the energy I'm projecting, and the reality I'm creating. To consciously and deliberately project the beauty, power, and love I want to see in a partner, and see what gets brought back to me. To love my partner the way Tyrone loves his son. The way I love my children.

Without judgment. I haven’t been so great at this part. It’s time to change the dance.

What reality are you creating for the people you love? What movie are you projecting onto them, right now, even without speaking a word?

Follow my journey as I walk through it. We teach the tools to become a conscious creator of your life, not just a reactor to it. DM me any time or grab the link in my bio.

#RelationshipAdvice #Manifestation #HealingJourney #CreateYourReality #ConsciousRelationship