Creating Meaningful Relationships: A Journey of Self-Discovery

The Illusion of Finding Love

We often think of relationships as something we find. It feels like a treasure hunt. We dig deep, searching for the perfect partner who is just waiting to be discovered. We believe that their role is to make us happy, while our job is simply to locate them. We think that once we find them, we just need to polish them up and place them on a pedestal.

But this belief is a profound lie.

This misconception leads to much of our struggle. It turns us into passive passengers in our own lives, waiting for someone else to come and save us.

A Transformative Conversation

This morning, I had a conversation with Tyrone Crowley, a coach from the south coast of England. He does powerful work helping fathers and sons connect. During our talk, he shared a personal story that struck me deeply.

Six years ago, at the age of 53, his wife left him. He hit rock bottom. In that moment, he asked himself, "What am I doing? Why do I keep ruining beautiful relationships?" He recognized his old patterns and conditioning. He realized he lacked conscious awareness in how he communicated with those he loved.

Instead of blaming his ex-wife, he chose to step up. He decided to use his pain as a catalyst for change.

The Power of Apology

A few months ago, Tyrone met with his ex-wife and the mother of his son. He apologized for his part in their relationship's breakdown. He simply said, "I'm sorry for my part," without expecting anything in return. This act of humility led to incredible healing.

Tyrone then spoke about his relationship with his son. Their bond is non-judgmental. He expressed that he could never stop loving his son, no matter what. His son is his best friend.

As I listened, I reflected on my own recent breakup. I realized I wasn’t embodying that kind of love in my partnerships.

Love as a Fortress

With my children, love feels like a fortress. It is unconditional and unwavering. However, in romantic relationships, love often feels transactional. It becomes entangled with hidden contracts and expectations.

I found myself measuring whether my partner matched my level of responsibility or understood my needs. I thought my high standards were strengths. Yet, they turned out to be subtle weapons.

Listening to Tyrone felt like the universe handed me a key to understanding my own mess. I looked up the word "relation." Its Latin origin means “a bringing back.”

The Essence of Relationships

To bring back.

This word reveals a profound truth. Relationships are not about finding someone out there. They are about what we bring back to ourselves. We are the source, the broadcaster, while the other person reflects back to us our own projections.

This concept isn’t just a nice idea; it’s rooted in physics. Einstein once said, “Imagination is the preview of life’s coming attractions.” He emphasized that imagination is more important than knowledge.

One wonders: Was the theory of relativity waiting for him, or did his imagination create it?

Creating Our Reality

The stories are everywhere if we start to look. Our guest this morning, comedian Adam L'Heureux, shared how he bombed a dozen shows in a row because he focused on past failures. The moment he began to remember his successful performances before going on stage, he never had a bad show again.

Another guest, Kathrine Lee, spoke of creating a “memory of things yet to be.” She envisioned Oprah on her stage, wearing a blue dress—a color Oprah never wears. When she arrived, Oprah was indeed there, in that exact spot, wearing blue.

These individuals were not merely hoping; they were creating. They projected a film onto the world with such clarity that it had no choice but to play it back to them.

The Shift in Perspective

Here’s the big shift: A relationship is not a discovery; it is a creation. The person you are with is not someone you merely found. They are a living, breathing reflection of the movie you project onto them.

Your imagination serves as the script, the lighting, and the direction. They play the role you have cast them in. Every thought, judgment, and fear you hold about them is communicated, whether spoken or not.

You are not finding a partner; you are creating them.

Holding Two Truths

I can hear the question forming: Does this excuse harmful behavior from our partners?

Absolutely not.

This realization does not absolve anyone of their harmful actions. The key is to hold two truths simultaneously. First, you are the creator. Second, your partner is a sovereign being responsible for their own actions.

Tyrone made it clear: he apologized for his part, but his ex had her part too. The goal is to see the wound behind their weapon.

You can set boundaries out of love.

Recognizing the Dynamic

For me, this meant recognizing that the "dynamic wasn't working" and stepping back to avoid spiraling. It wasn’t a punishment; it was a realization.

The dance changes, and they must choose whether to learn the new steps.

So, I must sit with my part. I need to confront the reality of the role I created for my partner.

Am I empowering her, or am I projecting my past wounds onto her?

Am I so attached to my vision of her flaws that I am literally creating her as flawed?

Am I rehearsing arguments in my head so often that she eventually reads the lines I wrote for her?

The Dance of Relationships

The sinking feeling in my stomach tells me everything I need to know. The entire dynamic I chose to leave was a dance, just as Tyrone described.

It only takes one person to change their steps for the whole dance to transform. When you change, the other person has a choice: learn the new steps or leave the dance floor.

I was leading the entire time. I created the reflection I then judged. I built the very cage I was trying to escape.

My Commitment to Change

This is my work, right now. I must stop blaming the mirror for the face I’m making. I need to change my own dance. I aspire to become, like Tyrone and Walt Disney, a better "imagineer."

I will take radical ownership of the thoughts I attach to, the energy I project, and the reality I create. I will consciously and deliberately project the beauty, power, and love I wish to see in a partner. I want to see what gets brought back to me.

I aim to love my partner the way Tyrone loves his son—without judgment. I recognize I haven’t excelled in this area. It’s time to change the dance.

Reflecting on Our Relationships

What reality are you creating for the people you love? What movie are you projecting onto them, even without speaking a word?

Follow my journey as I navigate this process. We teach tools to become conscious creators of our lives, not mere reactors. Feel free to DM me anytime or grab the link in my bio.

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