The patterns we refuse to break eventually break us if we don’t grow from them.
- Nick Smith
- Jul 21
- 7 min read
The patterns we refuse to break eventually break us if we don’t grow from them.
Sometimes, it just hits you. A sudden clarity. Like a spotlight snapping on in a dark room.
Showing everything that’s always been there, lurking. But never quite seen in its full force.
I had one of those moments this morning. Using my P.A.U.S.E. app. I was really digging in.
Trying to truly take ownership of my part in things. Believe me, my first impulse was to just blame. To point fingers. To push all that heavy energy somewhere else. Anywhere but here.
But my application wouldn’t let me.
It just wouldn't.
And for that, I’m grateful.
Because it forced me to see something deep. Undeniable. About myself. This is what I discovered in this morning’s session with my app.
Here's what I'm learning: If I'm still activated by something, if someone or something still triggers me, then there’s an old wound. It needs attention.
Sometimes I just can't see it.
I built this tool, this P.A.U.S.E. app, because I needed something to help me see it. My friends and family, God bless 'em, they'd buy into my story. I was so convincing they'd hear what I said. Hear my justifications for it. And then I didn't have to heal it. I couldn't see it.
And I didn't have to see it because I was justified in my way of being.
I'm recognizing that I have patterns and behaviors I'm not fully aware of. And until I create awareness around them, I can't change them.
That's why I created this application.
To help me see things I'm just not seeing. No amount of blaming or pointing the finger was going to help me do that. I found myself justifying or judging myself so that I wouldn't have to change. As long as the problem was "out there," there was nothing to look at in me.
But if I was being triggered or activated, then there was absolutely something to look at in me. So, this whole experience reflects what I'm finding as I do my work: it still has nothing to do with another person. It has to do with me recognizing my patterns. And working towards shifting those.
Understanding My Core Value: Responsibility
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For me, 'Responsibility' isn’t just a value. It's 'the' value. It’s the primary one. The bedrock. How I operate. A non-negotiable.
And before anyone gets defensive, let me be clear: this isn't about expecting anyone to perform at my level of responsibility. Not even close. It's simply about a baseline. A level of care. A willingness to show up for what you say you’re going to show up for. And some level of awareness around how your behavior impacts others.
This isn’t some abstract idea for me. This deep, almost gut-level need for responsibility started early.
When I was just two years old, my father died. That's something I had no control over. But I was too young to know that.
Later, a significant father figure, someone who was supposed to be safe, just vanished. But not before blaming me for something utterly outside my control: wetting the bed at his house when I was about 7 years old. The fury. The screaming. I was thrown into a cold bathtub. And then the final, crushing blow: promised toys, taken away and given to another child, all while the blame poured down on me.
This "adult" put all the responsibility on me. A 7-year-old kid. How was I supposed to understand that?! It felt wrong.
It was wrong.
I learned, deep down, in my bones, that if I could be overly responsible, if I tried to clean up every single mess, every single time, perhaps I might be able to prevent abandonment.
Perhaps I could ensure I was loved, approved of, and safe.
Then there was my mom, God bless her. She talked about responsibility, sure. But often, the actual burden of chores, of expectations, of being the responsible child, landed squarely on us kids. It instilled in me a deep, nagging feeling of being the only one carrying the load. While others were, as it felt then, "getting off scot-free."
My word and my commitments became everything. They had to. Otherwise, if I was irresponsible, there was a severe consequence. In those patterns.
And those patterns repeated. Like a cruel, familiar tune.
When I was older, I had a long-term relationship, almost seven years, where I was all-in. Living and breathing our commitment. And she was out there dating someone else. Giving her energy away.
That felt like a deep betrayal. I remember thinking: I'm not doing that again.
That was followed by a seventeen-year marriage where, at the end of our relationship, I was home processing and being with my kids while she was out. Again, I became overly responsible.
Taking on financial burdens that weren't solely mine. Overpaying child support and alimony. She was telling me how I was insecure and controlling. There was no self-accountability.
Everything was placed on me. And I allowed it.
I thought to myself: I am absolutely not doing that again.
Even with an old business partner who was irresponsible with money, leaving me to clean up a decade of messes, I was always the clean-up crew. Always the one holding the bag. And again, I thought, this is bullshit. I am never doing that again.
All of these lessons have been about never doing it again, yet I kept finding myself in another pattern of doing it all over again.
My own growth has shown me that my level of care needs to be reciprocated. I have commitments to what I build with another person. I treat my connections with the commitment and respect I tend to give.
And what I'm learning is, I cannot and will not engage in behaviors that compromise a connection or create insecurity for another human. When I experience behaviors that consistently compromise connection and create insecurity, that simply isn't a level of care I can tolerate anymore.
And it's not a level of care I would ever expect from someone truly committed to me.
All I ever wanted was for someone to honor our connection the way I was honoring it. That's not jealousy. That's respect. And if that's labeled as insecurity, fine, then yes, I'm "insecure" because what I need for emotional safety isn't being honored.
And I don't have to do that anymore.
If I choose to step away from something that doesn't create emotional security, it’s not punishment. It’s not a test.
It’s an act of radical self-preservation. I can’t, and I won't do that. I will no longer abandon myself for somebody else's irresponsibility. I will not put myself back into a dynamic where I feel consistently burdened, disrespected, or emotionally unsafe.
I am responsible for my own well-being.
And sometimes, that means choosing to remove myself from situations that cause significant pain. That violate my core need for mutual respect and accountability. When I find myself being overly responsible, I need to slow down and ask: "Do I have to do this? Is this necessary? Am I requiring others to live at a level that I live at? And when they don't, am I getting triggered by it?"
This whole experience, this deep dive with the app, is about seeing my blind spots.
It’s about recognizing that if someone or something still triggers me, then there's an old wound in me that needs attention. It’s about recognizing my patterns. And working towards shifting those.
I'm committed to healing myself from this thing that keeps triggering me. It's my work to do. Because, is it fair to require somebody else to live at the level that I do? I mean, when they've had different life experiences, are they required to be like me?
That’s the real work right there.
Because if I continue to expect that from another person, and they're not equipped for it, then they'll never live up to what I need.
That's not fair.
So, for me to be aware of this, some letting go has to happen within me for me to have a healthy relationship. A lot of my behaviors are designed around my protectors, you know, wanting to make sure that I'm not injured again.
But am I holding to a boundary, or am I just trying to not be abandoned again? I really have to sit with this because until I see these patterns, until I really sit with them, I'm going to continue to do the same thing over and over again. With a different face.
I don't want to do that. It’s not about perfection. I'm not looking for perfection, but there’s a level of satisficing or good-enoughness that needs to show up. That this is somebody I can work with.
Somebody that's doing their work while I'm doing mine. I do want to be with somebody that's willing to look at their part and their role the way that I look at my part and my role.
Going through this breakup has really pushed me to reflect on why I get activated and triggered by certain things.
Because if I don't face these now, I'm going to have to face them again and again. With a new face. With a new person.
That seems exhausting.
I'm responsible over here to really look at why I'm overly responsible. And why I think others should be the same. Perhaps there's no objective reason that anybody else should behave the way I do in the world. Maybe that's too much pressure on somebody.
Maybe because I have such a high level of it that I'm hopeful somebody else will have as high a level as I do. But can they? Will they ever? Or am I doomed to continually repeating this pattern of being in relationships where I think people should show up a certain way and they don't.
And I'm disappointed. And I keep moving away from it. Never learning the lesson.
I want to learn the lesson because I don't want to repeat this pattern in my next relationship. So it really is a mirror. People become a mirror of what's going on in me. And this application that I created is designed to help me to see clearly in that mirror what needs attention. And the way to recognize it is if I'm triggered or activated, there's something in me that needs attention.
And if my mirror and my reflection in the mirror is blurred by my own perceptions, then I'm not going to see it.
Not clearly anyway.
Looking at this picture…of me at around 7 years old. I developed some operating systems.
Systems that carried over, into my life, and are affecting me nearly 43 years later. It’s time for me to look at those and see if they are worth keeping or if they need to be updated.
What would it mean for you to really see your patterns? The behaviors continuing to activate you? Trigger you?
What would seeing these do for you if you could change these patterns? To no longer be triggered?
DM me for details on how to access the P.A.U.S.E. app.
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